It’s not lack of love, it’s “deadness”: The one emotional pattern experts say many cheaters share

There’s a relationship state that isn’t explosive, dramatic or loud, and according to relationship specialists, it’s one of the most common precursors to cheating. People don’t leave right away. They emotionally drift away first. And relationship expert Jacob Lucas has a name for it: relationship deadness. He calls it “a very real thing,” telling LADbible, “Many people tap out of a relationship long before they end it. Relationship deadness is one of the main reasons for this.”Lucas, who has built a following of nearly 800,000 people on social mediaby giving straight-talk practical dating advice, explains that people stuck in deadness often feel emotionally underfed. In his words: “They feel like their needs aren’t met in the relationship. They feel bored. A lack of intimacy. No emotional or physical connection anymore in their relationship. No compatibility etc.”Crucially, deadness isn’t about two people no longer loving each other, it’s about loving, but no longer feeling alive together. And rather than leaving, many stay, out of fear. As Lucas puts it: “One of the main reasons why they choose to stay is because many people have a fear of being alone. They would rather be in a bad relationship than be alone. And the longer they stay in those types of relationships the harder it is to leave because it has become the norm for them to be unsatisfied in their love life.”Lucas puts it plainly: “Many people cheat when relationship deadness occurs. So instead of choosing to leave they seek excitement, connection, intimacy elsewhere outside of their relationship.”From his perspective, it’s often not about wanting someone new, it’s about wanting to feel something again. His recommendation is unapologetically direct: “They should simply just end the relationship if they feel that way and not cheat, because it’s very unfair on their partner and can cause serious emotional damage in the long run.”Much of this aligns with the work of psychotherapist Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, whose research into infidelity has shaped modern thinking around emotional disconnection.Writing for MamaMia and drawing on Perel’s framework, dating expert Jess Matthews notes that deadness can quietly settle into long-term relationships as “a feeling of emotional numbness, disconnection, and personal erosion.” Matthews explains that it isn’t always a mutual collapse, sometimes one partner experiences it more internally. As she puts it: “Deadness is something that we can experience as an individual (as part of a couple) or feel applies to the dynamic of the connection.”And critically, it doesn’t necessarily mean love has disappeared. Matthews adds: “Whilst you still love your partner deeply you'll be equally plagued by feelings that something is missing.”According to Perel’s work, cheating often has less to do with betrayal and more to do with resurrection, wanting to feel alive again. Matthews explains: “From what I have seen infidelity most often comes down to selfishness, and by that I mean cheating is a by-product of a feeling of lack or insecurity within oneself.”She adds: “Cheating is an escapism; it can provide a type of 'resurrection of the self', and also a deflection from the real issues at hand.”Which is to say: cheating isn’t always about the third person, sometimes it’s about trying to reclaim a vanished identity. And in some cases, as Lucas emphasises: the hardest but healthiest choice isn’t to force the spark back it’s to admit that it’s gone..