Is your child really too upset to go to school?

I remember the moment I realised that my son’s repeated requests not to go to school were linked to something more serious than mere malingering in a bid for a duvet day. He had been out of school for what was, for him, a blissful week of Covid. The morning he was well enough to return, he had breakfast and got into his uniform. As he got ready to leave, he stood by the front door, and I could see that he was bracing himself before opening it. Then he just buckled, visibly crumpling and bursting into heartfelt tears. He literally begged me to let him stay home and not go to school.

I knew he was struggling with the transition from primary school. I also knew that he was having some difficulties within his friendship group. But I didn’t know how bad things were until that day. His evident pain felt crushing and, having spent his school career thus far, was ushering him in come hell or high water – unless he was delirious with a fever or had a limb hanging off (“just rise about it! you’ll be fine!”) I shut the door without hesitation and told him to stay at home.

That was in 2022, so newly post-pandemic, with all that that entailed. But it turns out that 90 per cent of parents still think that their child’s mental health is more important than going to school. A new poll shows that half of parents regularly allow their child a day off school if they feel “too upset” to go in, with 49 per cent of 2,000 families surveyed saying they regularly allow an “emotional absence”.

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While I fully appreciate the importance of mental health, the problem with sanctioning an emotional absence, as I learned the day after my son’s meltdown, is that if there is an issue at school, then one day off won’t solve it. Not only that, but it is a slippery slope: one day off leads so easily to another. And another.

The new research by Bett, which organises education technology shows, showed that the families that believe in taking days off for mental health reasons average six of those days off a year. They view it as an effective intervention rather than an indulgence and see an improvement in their child’s happiness and behaviour.

However, according to Gov.uk is that children with 95-100 per cent attendance in Year 6 are 30 per cent more likely to reach the expected standard in reading, writing and maths compared to similar pupils who attend 90-95 per cent of the time. And what many of parents were unaware of when asked is the research published by the Department for Education that shows that children who regularly miss school are more likely to become adults who are on benefits, who commit crimes and who use drugs.

Of course these difficulties in later life may end up happening for a host of reasons, however by secondary school, the link between attendance and attainment becomes even clearer. Year 11 pupils with near-perfect attendance are almost twice as likely to achieve grade five in English and Maths GCSE, compared to similar pupils attending 90-95 per cent of the time. In other words, missing just 10 extra days a year reduces the likelihood of achieving those grades by around 50 per cent.

To put it in real life terms: a DfE report, titled “The Impact of School Absence on Lifetime Earnings”, earlier this year found that every day that a child misses school costs them £750 in future wages, although it’s important to caveat that with the fact that this can vary by individuals Parental factors like education, occupation and income can also influence both attainment and earnings.

However, the same research showed that 150,000 pupils are absent more than half of the time, which seems to imply that, despite all of the evidence of the profound impact that just a few days of missed school can have on a child’s education and future prospects, many parents and children now see school attendance as a choice.

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Unsurprisingly, given the number of months that schools were closed, this is something that is more pronounced since Covid: 32 per cent of parents from the new poll said they were more relaxed about their children missing school than they were pre-pandemic.

However, in my son’s case, I quickly realised that another day off was not the answer. I tried to address the issue through several meetings with his school. Unfortunately, that didn’t help and his requests to skip school because he was – and he really was – “too upset” to go in became so frequent and heartfelt that I could see we were on the path to school refusal, something that has reached epidemic proportions in the UK, with 1.28 million children and teens (roughly 17.9 per cent of the attending school population) persistently absent.

I have friends with children who are school refusers, and I know that it is often rooted in severe anxiety and entirely real mental health issues. I also know that the solution is not as simple as just “making” school refusers go to school – and that it can lead to a lifetime of poor mental health. With that as a spectre I wanted firmly to avoid, I took drastic action and decided to take him out of that school – a sprawling Academy in east London – and move him to… another sprawling Academy in east London.

It was by no means an ideal thing to do in the middle of year eight. But by and large, it has worked out well. And it was so much better than the alternative, which no number of “emotional absence” days would have solved.